In the second part of Emmerdale last night, Jackson steped outside for some not-so-fresh air, or to look for his boyfriend & found Aaron over the road, staring intentently at something. Jackson followed his gaze to see what it was & found that, much to his annoyance, Aaron was staring at Mickey the dog killer.
Jackson ran over the road to tell Aaron to come back in & leave it. Aaron wanted to ‘sort him out’, but Jackson told him that if he went after Mickey the dog killer, then the two of them were finished. Aaron was too intent on staring at Mickey the dog killer to notice that Jackson had walked away.
Jackson was at the cash machine when Aaron caught up with him. Jackson was convinced that Aaron had beaten up Mickey the dog killer, especially when he saw the marks on Aaron’s knuckles. Aaron told him that he had punched a wall instead of Mickey the dog killer, but Jackson didn’t believe him. Aaron followed Jackson down the street trying to win back, but Jackson wasn’t interested & told Aaron that one day he would really hurt someone. Jackson’s total hatred of all things violent is completely beyond Aaron’s ken.
As Jackson climbed into his van, Aaron ran after him, calling his name. Aaron stood in front of the van begging Jackson not to just finish it, to which Jackson replied that he hadn’t finish it, Aaron had finished it when he went after Mickey the dog killer.
Aaron ran around to the side of the van & opened the door to appologise to Jackson & when Jackson pointed out that he had been sorry before, Aaron said that he was even sorrier now. Aaron told Jackson that he needed him & Jackson replied that Aaron had had him but now he was going. Aaron ignored him & jumped in the van. Jackson looked at him in disbelief, put on his seat belt & drove off.
Jackson drove out of town, homewards through the pitch-black countryside, the two of them sat in silence at first. Jackson was the first to speak, he said that he thought Aaron didn’t want to be happpy, that every time he got close to having a good time, he had to sabotage it. Aaron said nothing, he just started out of the window. Jackson said that it was typical of Aaron, if something made him feel a bit awkward then he would just bury his head.
Then he brought up "The L Word" again, which at least solicited a response from Aaron, he snapped that it had taken a while but he knew all that would come back. Jackson said it didn’t have to take a while, Aaron could have just said something back to him. Aaron asked Jackson what he wanted him to say, that he loved him too ? Jackson told him that it didn’t matter what he said, anything would have been better than nothing.
Aaron told Jackson that he couldn’t be doing with this & asked him to stop. Jackson told him that he’d got into the van & now they were going to have this conversation whether he liked it or not. Aaron shouted at Jackson to stop the van.
Jackson pulled over & Aaron got out of the van in the middle of nowhere & walked away. Jackson turned off the engine, got out of the van, walked over to Aaron & asked him if he wished Jackson hadn’t mentioned The L Word. Aaron asked Jackson if he wished Aaron had said it back. Jackson told him that ideally he would have wanted him to say it back, but he would be happy if Aaron just told him how he felt. Aaron pointed out that Jackson had said that they were finished, so it didn’t make any difference.
Jackson accused him of always taking the easy way out & Aaron told him that he had never had an easy way out in his life. Aaron appologised to Jackson for not saying The L Word back to him. Jackson told him that he didn’t have to be sorry, he just had to be honest. Aaron said that it was hard & Jackson agreed. [stop sniggering at the back, you child, this is heartbreaking stuff] Jackson told Aaron that before he said The L Word, he’d been so scared, but what was the worst that could happen ?
Oh Jackson, thou shalt not tempt the gods of Soapland.
to tell Jackson that everyone he gets close to ends up getting hurt, [Yeah usually by him] but Jackson told him that that was just an
excuse. Aaron pointed out that both Jackson & Paddy got hurt.
Aaron went on to say that now Jackson has said things to him, which no-one else
has ever said to him before, I think he means The L Word & he has no idea what to do with them or what to say back.
With both of them close to tears Aaron took a deep breathe & told Jackson
"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, well Paddy as well but you really." Getting the hang of this talking lark. he went on to say "I didn’t know who I was, well I had a pretty good idea, but I hated him; myself I mean."
Jackson quipped "As opposed to Paddy ?"
Fighting back the tears, Aaron carried on "See I’m rubbish at this. For as long as I can remember I’ve always wished that I was someone else. . . . .or that I was dead. But these past few months, I haven’t. I mean I’ve not exactly been doing, ya know, cartwheels about it, but I’m getting there. For the first time in my life I don’t mind being myself anymore & that’s down to you, And I want to be honest with ya, I really do, but I’m scared."
Jackson, now as tearful as Aaron, asked "Of what ?"
To which Aaron replied "Of losing ya."
"How could you ever lose me by telling the truth ?"
"Because. . ."
"Because what ?" There was a long silence, the Jackson asked "Because you don’t love me ?"
To which Aaron replied "No." Jackson looked heartbroken, but Aaron corrected himself " I, I don’t mean that I don’t, I’m saynig that I don’t know." another long silence, then he said "You’ve been with other blokes, ya know, you know. . . . "
Jackson interupted him "You just want to go & play the field ?"
Aaron gave an exasperated sigh & continued "That’s not what I’m saying. Look, I’m eighteen, I’ve only just come out, I’ve only just come out to myself. I’ve got all this going on up here, then you tell me that you love me & it’s hard."
"It’s pretty simple."
"Not for me it’s not."
"You can’t keep using the everythings tricky for Aaron excuse."
With a groan of exasberation Aaron interupted him. "It’s not an excuse. I feel stuff for you too but I haven’t got anything to compare it to, that’s what I meant about you being with other blokes. But I feel stuff for me mum now & for Paddy, but I don’t know what any of it is." With more determination he continued "Do you know why ? Because I’m not used to people giving a damn about me & I don’t know how to give one back, let alone love someone. . . . . And I don’t know if I ever will. And that’s the truth. And that’s why it’s hard, ‘coz who’s ever gonna want to be with somebody like me ?"
walked away from Aaron towards the van & Aaron asked him what he
was doing, he stopped & wiping his face on his sleeve, turned to
face Aaron again & said "You will love someone, and, and you’ll know
when it happens."
With a sigh of resignation Aaron said "See I was right, I told you the truth & now I’ve lost ya."
Jackson, still crying walked back towards Aaron & said "You haven’t lost me, I never had ya."
Aaron tried to step closer to Jackson saying "You’ve got me.", but
Jackson stopped him & walking away in silence went back to his van.
Aaron called out after him "Jackson, you’ve got me.", but Jackson just ignored him, got into the van, started the engine & drove off, leaving Aaron running after the van shouting "Jackson ! Jackson ! You’ve got me !"
I’m finding it hard to type now, what with all this water dribbling out of my eyes & I really can’t think of anything sarcastic to say.
If this supid computer will let me I’ll see if I can finish this episode later.
So, so sad.