Rest In Peace Amanda x x x
When Will I learn To Stop Crying Because She’s Gone & Learn To Smile Because She Was Here?Amanda, Hops, Hoppy @no_left_feet & @one_right_foot [jail account] died on the 13th May 2012. If you weren’t following her on Twitter then you missed out on one of the loveliest, funniest, kindest, sexist, heroes it has ever been my pleasure to have met. You may be one of those cynics who believe that online friends aren’t ‘real’ friends. I used to be one of those, but I was wrong. I’ve had closer relationships with some of my Twitter friends than with many of my ‘real life’ friends. Amanda was one of them. This might give you some idea of how loved she was & much she will be missed.
Fifteen hours later…..I’ve read most of the other tributes & I’ve tried to write one myself, but it’s hard to type with tears streaming down you face. [stop it!] This is my 5th attempt & I’m already having to fight back the tears. The worst part of this selfpity-fest that I’m on, is the certain knowledge that this isn’t what she would have wanted. Amanda was always so brave [don’t call her brave ffs!]. She was so full of life & fun, she never once moaned in this ‘pity me’ pathetic way. She was dying ffs & she still came on twitter to cheer US up & make US feel better!!
She also made everyone feel so special. She used to call me “My Ellie” & I was hers – totally. We used to pretend we were having an affair – “Warm the bed for me hun, I’ll be up in a miute” 😉 She was straight & very happily married, but she loved playing a part & when she did play a part, she throw herself into it 100% I’m sure some followers believed we actually were a couple – I have to admit that I wish we were. I really did love her. I still do love her. I miss her so much 😦
She was one of two people on my TL who could ALWAYS make me smile no matter how down I was & now that I need someone to do that more than anything; she isn’t there. It is just killing me to know that she’s never going to *jiggle her boobs* for me again 😥 I’m sorry that I’m letting you down like this Hops, but I just can’t. I’m not as strong as you. The hardest thing to cope with is that I’m so angry with her. I’m angry that she’s dead, but more than that I’m angry that she didn’t tell me that she knew she was dying. You knew me babe, you knew me better than anyone on here. When I tried to hide, you knew straight away that it was me. You should have known I AM an elephant’s child – I NEED to know. The truth is EVERYTHING to me. I can cope with anything, if I know the truth. You see, I knew that you probably wouldn’t survive. When you told me what kind of cancer it was, I looked it up. I saw how lucky you were to be alive. I saw that the higher up the body the tumor was the lower the chances of survival. I knew that you were probably going to die this time, but I wasn’t sure that you knew. And here is my confession – when you told me that the cancer was back & where it was …. I started avoiding you. I didn’t want to put my foot in it [she’d have laughed at that] by saying the wrong thing. I didn’t want to upset you. That’s how big an idiot I’ve been. That’s because I’m not as strong as you babe 😥 I’m so very sorry darling 😥 Try again. Amanda was …….. I give up. If you didn’t know her I’m not witty enough to explain what she was like & if you did know her then I don’t need to. She was a one off. She was Hops! ……¯\(ツ)/¯
p.s. If anyone favourited, bookmarked or RTed any of the film Hops, Tradd, Madd Dadd & I made, very late at night on the 4th September 2011, please let me know. I lost it all when the computer got infected 😦 & I’d really like to read those tweets again. That night was the night I realise what a durty mare Hops could be – it was the night I fell in love with her 😉 *sneaks up behind you & snaps your bra strap* … *hops away giggling* : o ) xXx